If you are negative and critical, always complaining about something or someone, chances are that your problem is you, not everyone and everything. When I notice that I am complaining a lot, I have learned that it’s time to step up my spiritual practice. When my spiritual condition is not where it needs to be, I get negative and irritable and my acceptance level decreases. When I am not accepting of life on life’s terms, I am going against the grain. I am fighting the way life is. This make for unpleasantness and unhappiness, which is the exact opposite of how I wish to live life.

Most of the time when we are struggling with life, seemingly both inside and out, the problem is not that life stinks, but that we are unhealthy spiritually and psychologically. Again, some of us need to work at this more than others, but that’s OK, we do what we need to do to take care of our spiritual and mental states. We do not need to compare ourselves to others who are different from us but rather identify with those who are the same and make an effort to connect with such people as fellowship is a spiritual tool in itself.

As I’ve said in many posts, there is not one magic answer that will fix you. Healthy spiritual, emotional and mental states are a result of hard spiritual and psychological work and the process is typically gradual. If you believe that you are the problem or at least think it’s worth listening to me, then use this site as a tool in your quest for happiness. There are many forms of self-help and spiritual practice, many of which I discuss on this site. I hope that you will make the most of the resources provided here. I wish you peace and happiness.

Most of us would say that I am sad, I am angry, I am in pain or I am suffering when we experience such feelings and emotions. Are feelings and emotions such as sadness, anger, pain and suffering original to each of us or are they shared by us all? It seems to me that feelings and emotions were here long before we came around and will be here after we’re gone. Why then do we make them so personal?

It’s that self of ours again that is causing all of our pain and suffering. I am not going to spend much time writing specifically about the self in this post but I do hope to get you to look at your feelings and emotions in a different way, a way that is not personal and associated with your self.

As opposed to attaching to your feelings and emotions by saying or thinking “I am sad or I am in pain”, try this instead… there is sadness, there is anger or there is pain. Feelings and emotions exist and we can learn to be aware of them without attaching to them and making them personal. It’s when we make them personal that we become upset. All feelings, thoughts and emotions will rise and cease, they are not permanent. Some will remain with us for a lifetime but they will change as well. It is when we can learn to watch the arising and ceasing of these feelings, thoughts and emotions without reacting to them and making them personal that we will experience emotional stability and peace. Continue to train your self by saying there is, not I am.

I have written many posts that pertain to awareness and the self that I hope you will find helpful. I recommend reading Pure Awareness, Emotional Stability in the Observer and Be Aware and Be at Peace, to aid you in your ability to be aware of your thoughts, feelings and emotions.

If we could eliminate this self-centeredness or self that we posses we would be able to relate to others and the world in which we live with kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and serenity. When we are disturbed in some way by other people or the way the world and our lives are unfolding, it is a result of our personal desires, ambitions or possessions being threatened. But what about that rude cashier at grocery store who disturbs you just because you don’t like his/her attitude? What desire, ambition or possession could they possibly threaten to cause you to be disturbed? Even in such a case, we are disturbed because of our self. When there is something about a person that rubs you the wrong way or you don’t like how someone treats you, that person is disturbing your peace and happiness. They in fact are not behaving as you would desire them to behave and as a result, they disturb you. So understand, that our desires may be subtle but they are many and can be almost constant, if you are very selfish

So, through the right spiritual and psychological practice, we can reduce our self-centeredness thereby reducing our sensitivity to that which may otherwise disturb us. When we reduce the self we are no longer so interested in what we desire and our personal desires will be replaced with outgoing kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and we will be serene. We will be in a place where we want to understand and help others as opposed to being worried about our own wants and needs. Coming from this place, can you see how a reduction of self-centeredness can help you to better relate and interact with others?

So just how do we reduce our self-centeredness? Most, if not all of the posts on this site are designed to reduce our self-centeredness through spiritual and psychological practice. There is not one in particular that I can recommend as this reduction of self is a process and will not likely occur immediately as the result of performing one task. I would suspect that you will see gradual results over time through rigorous spiritual practice. I will tell you that a good place to begin is by developing faith in a Higher Power. Much of our self-centeredness manifests as self-centered fear which is why we become disturbed when our desires, ambitions and possessions are being threatened. Simply put, we are afraid that we will lose what we have or not get what we want. Since faith in a Higher Power eliminates fear in general, it will also eliminate or reduce our self-centered fear, which constitutes much of our self-centeredness. Get it? Why not go do something for someone else today with no thought whatsoever of what you want? Much of our change occurs by acting our way into right thinking, not thinking our way into right acting.

Our problems stem from an overwhelming sense of self so anything we can do to diminish this self will prove to be beneficial to our spiritual, mental and emotional conditions. In the scenario in the opening paragraph, I describe peace as being the result of realizing just how small we really are. We experience all types of trials and tribulations and pain and suffering in this life as a result of being attached to this self. We get upset when we don’t get our way whether we lose something that we posses or we do not get something that we want. This we, or more importantly I in the first person, is the cause of our pain and suffering. I want this or I want that, I don’t like this or I don’t like that. I don’t feel good, I am sad or I am angry, I am hungry, I am tired, I don’t like my job, I don’t like my spouse, I want a new car, I want more money… I, I, I.

What if there was no I? Who then would experience the unpleasantness, the pain and the suffering of this life? Think about it…

Can you understand why the less importance we put on our self, the happier we become? Most if not all of the posts on this site can help you to reduce your sense of self. I will continue to write about self and ways in which we can learn to let go of it. Go outside alone on the next clear night and look up at the moon and stars for a while. Don’t rush back inside, take it all in, relax and breathe.

Interesting questions, no? Whatever the source of this awareness, we’ve been blessed with it. I say it’s a blessing because it allows us to detach from our thoughts and feelings not having to react to them, causing us emotional ups and downs. For example, if you’re feeling angry, you can be aware of this feeling yet not react emotionally to it. You can just be aware that there is anger without attaching your self to it. It doesn’t need to be personal. Feelings exist. They do not need to be personal, we all have them. They are not my feelings and your feelings, they are just feelings and we can choose to react to them or not. Why does everything need to be about us? Why do we need to possess everything? Feelings are part of existence. They were here before us and will be here after we die. Back to the anger… notice the anger and how it feels. Be aware of the arising and the inevitable ceasing of the anger. You can experience all of that without attaching to the anger, from a place of awareness. The awareness is not self, it is not you. The awareness is aware of you and your thoughts and your feelings, so it cannot be you.

Do you see the separation between what you may have considered to be you and the awareness? It may be as if this awareness is watching over you, somehow separate from your body, thoughts and feelings. We can learn to take refuge in this awareness. It can be a place of comfort and peace. This may be a very different philosophy from what you’re accustomed. Open your mind and try to experience this awareness. It is there… can you find it?

*Inspired by the teachings of Ajahn Sumedho