There is a fine line between therapeutic talking and the type of talking that makes your problems bigger. I am walking a tight rope here, I know, as there are most definitely times when we need to discuss our problems in order to find a resolution. Perhaps you are the type that bottles up your feelings and emotions which results in other personal problems. Well then maybe you need to talk more. But maybe instead of talking about your problems, you rehash them over and over in your mind. Either way, talking or thinking too much about life’s problems, can make the problems bigger, not better.

How we talk about life’s problems also plays a role here. For example, talking to a therapist about our issues both past and present with the goal of improving ourselves is much different than talking or complaining, over and over again about your boss, your spouse, the traffic or the weather. Much of our talking or thinking about life’s problems is actually complaining and self-pity and just an overall lack of acceptance of life as it is, which is why I do not think it’s accurate to refer to such problems as our problems. Much of what we think is our problem isn’t a problem at all. The problem is our inability to accept life on life’s terms.

So, even when we’re not yelling, ranting or raving, we can be venting in ways that are unhealthy and that make the problem grow. This is the type of talking or complaining to which I am referring in this post.

Take notice when you’re talking. Ask yourself before you speak if what you are about to say is positive or negative. Ask yourself if it is therapeutic or in other words, is it helpful to your overall sense of well-being or are you just complaining or on the pity pot? You know, poor me, I was stuck in traffic for two hours. Poor me, I don’t have any money. Poor me, I had to work so hard today. Of course, we leave out the poor me in conversation but we might as well say that before all of our complaining…I mean talking. This type of talking is not helpful to our peace and happiness. All we are doing is making the supposed problem grow larger than it is and making its life span longer than it needs to be. In Buddhism, this is a form of Right Speech and as it is with so much of the principles set forth on this site, you will need to practice this. I wouldn’t imagine that you will immediately stop all talk or venting that is not helpful to your well-being. You will most likely catch yourself in the act many times saying things that you probably shouldn’t have.

Awareness, as usual, is the key here. Now that you are aware that much of your speech is not necessary or beneficial and actually causes you and others harm, you can begin to change. The more you practice Right Speech, the more proficient you will become. Think about how many happy moments we have lost because we felt it necessary to vent negatively. So next time you think about complaining or venting, stop it there and go about your day. Don’t allow yourself to lose another moment to negativity. The less negative moments means the possibility of more positive moments. This is all really very simple. See what happens to a problem that you thought you needed to talk about. Many times, I think you’ll find that it dissipates over time, perhaps an hour or perhaps a day. And if it doesn’t, if really necessary, you could always discuss the problem later in a positive, healthy manner. Instead of negatively complaining, you could talk about how the problem makes you feel and why. Now we’re getting into another topic so I will stop here. I wish you all the peace that comes from acceptance.

When you notice that you are thinking negatively, try to stop the negative thoughts and if necessary, think of something positive instead. If you find yourself involved in a negative conversation, excuse yourself from the discussion or turn the conversation into a positive one. The awareness of your own negativity will open your eyes to the negativity of others as well.

Assuming that you want to be happy and peaceful, you will need to reduce or eliminate your negativity and become more positive. Simply by reducing your negativity, you will become more positive. Of course, you need to want to stop being negative. If you say that you want to be happy but you still want to be negative, then I believe that you are in for an uphill climb and I’m not sure how much I can help you.

This few-day exercise that I am suggesting is only the beginning and is intended as an opportunity to shed some light on your negativity. If you don’t notice any negativity in yourself in those few days then continue with your spiritual practice and try the exercise again in a month or so and continue this pattern until you become aware of your negativity. Maybe you are truly are a positive person and negativity is not one of your shortcomings. If this is the case, by this time you should now be quite aware of it Maintaining positive thoughts, feelings and speech is to be practiced over this lifetime. The more aware we become of our negativity, hopefully, the more unacceptable we will find it and the more desire we will have to eliminate it.

Certainly, a positive attitude and outlook on life will develop as a result of spiritual and psychological practice. But, as this exercise suggests, sometimes we need to consciously shed some light onto our shortcomings so that we can begin to work on eliminating them and improving ourselves. My guess is that the more positive you become, the less acceptable you will be of your own negativity and the negativity of others and you may not wish to socialize with negative people other than to help them and to be a positive example. I would love to hear about how you did with the exercise.