You may need to discipline Billy somewhat since he is at your house without us at times. So that you may better understand & apply the same principles while he is in your care, here’s the way I want Billy to be raised, keeping in mind the methods must be age appropriate.

I do not believe in punishment for most, if not all people, I believe in consequences. I want Billy to learn that there are consequences for his actions in this life.

I do not want Billy to grow up afraid of anything. He can learn to be cautious & wise in situations where he can be harmed but he does not need to be afraid.

I want to encourage him to learn to do the right thing not because he is afraid to do wrong but simply because it is right. I want him to learn that doing right feels better than doing wrong. I believe that living in this way will build more character & self-esteem than simply not doing things for fear of repercussion. It’s an overall more positive way to live.

I do not want him to be afraid of me. I hope he respects me, not fears me. If he is afraid of me then I am doing something wrong.

I do not want to yell at him & most definitely, hitting or spanking is completely unacceptable. Violence & anger breeds violence & anger. I do not need to yell or act in anger when teaching him right from wrong, proper manners or giving him a consequence for his actions.

I want him to be aware of his actions & learn to apologize & make amends when wrong. He, perhaps more importantly, needs to know how proud we are of him & is to be praised for behaving well.

Acceptance is the way to peace and happiness and the answer to our problems. We must try to convey this to him not just with words but more importantly by example. He can learn to freak out, cry, and get angry, scream, yell, etc. when something does not go his way or he can learn to accept life as it comes with serenity. There is no better way to teach this than by example. So, please try not to react negatively, in anger or hostility around him when something doesn’t go your way or for any other reason. By acting in such ways, you would only be teaching him to cope with life in the same manner.

Please do not freak out if he spills something or dents a wall. These are not things worth being upset about. I want to teach him to be neat, clean & take care of his things but I want him to know that these sorts of material concerns are not what are most important in this life & are not worth being upset about.

I want him to be around positive, happy people and energy. Example is one of the greatest teachers. He is a child and any negative behavior he is exposed to can affect him for many years to come. I hope this helps.

Next time you find yourself talking about another person, honestly assess whether you are speaking positively or negatively about that person. Sometimes we may even say that are intentions are not to speak poorly of someone while we are speaking poorly of them. If you realize that you are not speaking positively about another, simply stop speaking negatively about them and honestly assess the motives behind your words. You’ll notice that I have used the word honestly more than once. It is not always easy to see our true motives and even when get a glimpse of them, we don’t always want to probe deeper as it can be difficult to face our impure motives.

Speaking negatively about other people contradicts our spiritual way of living. It goes against the natural order of connection between people. Negativity in any form is usually damaging to our spiritual and psychological states. Speaking negatively of others creates a separation between us and our fellows and emphasizes our self-centeredness, both of which can be damaging to our spiritual and psychological states.

Not speaking negatively about others would seem to be an easy practice once we recognize that we’re doing it. All we need to do is stop talking bad about others, simple, right? This is another of those simple but not easy practices. Once you become aware of just how often you speak poorly of others and discover your motives for doing so, I think you’ll be surprised as to just how often you do this to inflate your self by criticizing another’s character. It may not be so easy to stop knocking others when your motives for doing so are to inflate our own egos. If you find this change difficult and you continue to talk negatively about others, despite your efforts, do not be discouraged. Keep trying and continue your general spiritual practice as the healthier we are spiritually and psychologically, the less we will need to inflate our egos and the easier it will become not to speak poorly of others.

We are the way we are for a number of reasons. We were born and raised by our parents, both of which were out of our control. As a result of this we have a specific genetic make-up, character traits, feelings, psychological and spiritual experiences and much more that has gone into making us who we are today. The points is, is that we do not have ultimate control over who we are, so these character and physical traits that we do not like about ourselves are not necessarily our fault and are not to be looked down upon, as we were born and raised into this form and that’s just the way it is. We can however change much of ourselves that we don’t like and that needs changing. As adults, our life is now our responsibility so I am not telling you to blame your parents for all of your problems, but if they did cause most of them, you can recognize that and begin to be the person that you believe you should become. But, during this process remember to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Accept who you are and realize that much of who you’ve become may have been out of your control. Even if you are fully responsible for all of your deficiencies, you can recognize where you went wrong, learn from your mistakes and change. Feeling a little regret may be a good experience but endlessly beating your self up serves no good purpose.

Metta is an important word used in the Buddhist philosophy. The following is a brief explanation of metta written by Venerable Acharya Buddharakkhita:

“The Pali word metta is a multi-significant term meaning loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill, benevolence, fellowship, amity, concord, inoffensiveness and non-violence. The Pali commentators define metta as the strong wish for the welfare and happiness of others (parahita-parasukha-kamana). Essentially metta is an altruistic attitude of love and friendliness as distinguished from mere amiability based on self-interest. Through metta one refuses to be offensive and renounces bitterness, resentment and animosity of every kind, developing instead a mind of friendliness, accommodativeness and benevolence which seeks the well-being and happiness of others. True metta is devoid of self-interest. It evokes within a warm-hearted feeling of fellowship, sympathy and love, which grows boundless with practice and overcomes all social, religious, racial, political and economic barriers. Metta is indeed a universal, unselfish and all-embracing love.”

Metta is not only a way to treat and interact with other people and the world around us but should also be applied to ourselves. We will benefit greatly by having metta towards ourselves and as we learn to treat ourselves with kindness and love, accepting our faults and imperfections, so too will we learn to treat others and their deficiencies with the same kindness, love and understanding. We can be aware of that which we do not like about ourselves and work on changing that which can be changed while having metta. When you have metta, you will patiently and lovingly accept yourself. Certainly sounds better than aversion and judgment. In the spirit of metta, I wish you peace and contentment.

At first this will likely feel a bit artificial because it probably is artificial. But isn’t that the way with so much of what we newly learn? When we begin a new job, try to learn a new language, learn to play an instrument or learn how to use a computer for the first time, we may at first feel awkward and frustrated as the task we are trying to perform is not yet comfortable for us. But as time passes we become more comfortable as what was once new to us is now natural. The more we smile, the more natural smiling becomes until we become that happy person who is always smiling.

Smiling as we’re speaking to another person makes the experience of speaking with us more pleasant for that person. Have you ever spoke to a person who appears miserable? I would rather be around a happy person than a miserable one and smiling is a sign of happiness. We are also more approachable when we‘re smiling and smiling attracts smiles. Of course, I realize that this simple technique of smiling is not going to solve all of your spiritual and psychological problems but it can help, even if only a little I am also not suggesting that you stuff all of your problems, ignore them and hide them with a smile. Smiling more is just a simple way that can help you to better communicate with others while becoming a little happier yourself.

By taking a deep breath in and then exhaling prior to speaking to others, we calm ourselves. Then, by consciously smiling we are reminding ourselves to speak nicely and pleasantly. Hopefully, after doing this for a while it will become natural to speak pleasantly and with kindness. This technique can be especially helpful when we are angry as speaking with anger is usually wrong and not beneficial to anyone. Smiling before we speak to those closest to us is also very important, as we may be so comfortable with them that we may not think before we talk and we may not use our built-in public edit button, which results in our loved ones getting the brunt of our harsh speech.

You can implement this practice immediately without much thought. Try it…smile right now. Are you smiling? As you remember to smile before you speak to someone, even the dog, you cannot help but be reminded that you are smiling so that you will speak pleasantly and with kindness.

Metta is a Pali word meaning Loving-kindness or universal love. Anger and ill-will are common roadblocks to happiness. Metta is one of the solutions for our ill-will and anger. I understand that some anger may very well be justified but that does not mean that is helping you or others around you. Please read my post titled “Resentment” for more about justified anger.

The following is a discourse from the Karaniya Metta Sutta as translated by Acharya Buddharakkhita. They are the words of The Buddha written about 2600 years ago. I am guessing that there will be those of you who are closed-minded towards Eastern Philosophy and talk of The Buddha but please try to keep an open mind as open-mindedness is a key component of spiritual growth and happiness. Just pay attention to the words and the meaning, where they came from are unimportant.

Who seeks to promote his welfare,
Having glimpsed the state of perfect peace,
Should be able, honest and upright,
Gentle in speech, meek and not proud.

Contented, he ought to be easy to support,
Not over-busy, and simple in living.
Tranquil his senses, let him be prudent,
And not brazen, nor fawning on families.

Also, he must refrain from any action
That gives the wise reason to reprove him.
(Then let him cultivate the thought:)
May all be well and secure,
May all beings be happy!

Whatever living creatures there be,
Without exception, weak or strong,
Long, huge or middle-sized,
Or short, minute or bulky,

Whether visible or invisible,
And those living far or near,
The born and those seeking birth,
May all beings be happy!

Let none deceive or decry
His fellow anywhere;
Let none wish others harm
In resentment or in hate.

Just as with her own life
A mother shields from hurt
Her own son, her only child,
Let all-embracing thoughts
For all beings be yours.

Cultivate an all-embracing mind of love
For all throughout the universe,
In all its height, depth and breadth —
Love that is untroubled
And beyond hatred or enmity.

As you stand, walk, sit or lie,
So long as you are awake,
Pursue this awareness with your might:
It is deemed the Divine State here.

Holding no more to wrong beliefs,
With virtue and vision of the ultimate,
And having overcome all sensual desire,
Never in a womb is one born again.

Pretty cool, huh? Written so long ago yet so appropriate for the times in which we live. I’ll post more about Loving-Kindness and meditation but for now, why not print the Buddha’s words and hang them on your bathroom mirror or fridge and read them every day until they become a part of you. We can begin to practice Universal Love or Loving-kindness in our daily lives by wishing everyone who we encounter, both in person and in our thoughts, happiness and peace. Try it at every opportunity or whenever you remember to do so. It leaves me with a sense that I am doing my part in bringing a positive energy to the world. I wish you peace and happiness.

Now that you’ve read Part I of this post, there is no going back. You have the knowledge. You know what needs to be done and how well you treat others has been brought into the light.

I realize that being unhappy yourself will play a significant role in your ability to treat others well but you’ll just need to try hard to be nice. That’s really all we need to do with each other, isn’t it, just be nice to one another. This may not be easy at first, most change isn’t. The initial aspects of change are usually the most difficult. We sometimes need to almost fake it as our new found behaviors do not seem sincere. If the change is good, as being nice to others is, then we know that although we are acting in a different and perhaps uncomfortable way, it is for the better. The changed thinking and behavior will become natural after time and as we continue to treat others better, we will be increasing our self-worth thereby increasing our happiness. At the beginning we’re in a catch 22 situation which is why changing is initially so hard. We need to be happy to treat others better but we need to treat others better to be happy.

Continue to be nicer to others even if they are not nice to you. Two wrongs do not make a right. You’ll find that walking away from a situation where someone wasn’t nice to you yet you kept your cool and composure and continued to be nice to them, will leave you with a feeling of self-respect. You’ll walk away from such a situation the happy winner.

You’ll notice that I use the words others or other beings as opposed to people in this post. This was intentional as people are only a small percentage of the beings that inhabit this planet. It is also important to treat animals, all animals not just our pets, with kindness and decency. Please keep that in mind the next time you see an animal in need or want to squash an innocent creature, including that ugly spider that you could catch and release outdoors instead of taking its life. I wish you peace and happiness.

If you want to be happy, you must not only be good to yourself, but you must treat others well too. How often do we blindly plunge forward in our lives without thinking about the consequences that our actions may have on other beings? Most of the work we need to do to be happy pertains to our spiritual and psychological conditions. Here’s the catch…we do not live in a vacuum so we must practice the spiritual principles that we learn in our lives. In case you haven’t noticed, our lives include other beings

Let’s think about how often our actions inadvertently impact others. So many of our decisions, choices and actions impact other beings. Imagine if with every choice we made and every action we took, we tried not to harm another living being. Now imagine that the entire population did the same. I believe that the world we live in would be a very different place. The change must start somewhere, let it start with you.

Now, for the not so inadvertent ways in which we treat others. I’m sure that there are many times throughout your day or your week where you do not treat other people in the same manner in which you would like to be treated. If you’re one of those people that prefer to be treated poorly, then this doesn’t apply to you and some psychotherapy may be in order When we’re happy, we’re not the only ones that benefit. When we’re happy, we tend to treat others better. We’re nicer, more considerate and more generous, we have a better sense of humor, we smile more and so on. All of this makes us more pleasurable to be around. When we’re not happy is when we usually take it out on others, whether they are the cashier at the supermarket, your coworkers or family members. You may not always be aware of just how poorly you speak to and treat others, but I’m guessing that there are times that you do realize it yet continue to behave in the same unkind manner.

How we treat other beings is directly related to our happiness and our spiritual and psychological conditions. So you see, being happy and at peace isn’t only for us. However, if you treat others well, I am sure that you will feel better about yourself and thereby increase your own self-worth and happiness. Treating others poorly has a direct affect on our self-esteem which has a direct affect on our happiness and peace. It is difficult to feel good about treating others bad.

So, if you have a hard time being nice to people, it would seem that you need to practice the principles set forth on this site. We cannot simply flip an internal switch that magically makes us happy. Happiness develops naturally as a result of right living and spiritual and psychological practice. And, as I explained earlier, how we treat others is directly related to our happiness. You may not be happy and getting happy may take some time, but that is not an excuse to continue to treat others poorly.

This concludes Part I.
Part II is titled Ignorance Is Not Bliss