HAPPINESS HELP » Judging

Criticizing Others

Alan A — Fri, 01 May 2009 03:45:28 +0000

How often do we talk negatively of other people? We speak negatively of others for a variety of reasons but we commonly do it so as to prop ourselves up by putting others down, whether we choose to admit such motives or not.

Next time you find yourself talking about another person, honestly assess whether you are speaking positively or negatively about that person. Sometimes we may even say that are intentions are not to speak poorly of someone while we are speaking poorly of them. If you realize that you are not speaking positively about another, simply stop speaking negatively about them and honestly assess the motives behind your words. You’ll notice that I have used the word honestly more than once. It is not always easy to see our true motives and even when get a glimpse of them, we don’t always want to probe deeper as it can be difficult to face our impure motives.

Speaking negatively about other people contradicts our spiritual way of living. It goes against the natural order of connection between people. Negativity in any form is usually damaging to our spiritual and psychological states. Speaking negatively of others creates a separation between us and our fellows and emphasizes our self-centeredness, both of which can be damaging to our spiritual and psychological states.

Not speaking negatively about others would seem to be an easy practice once we recognize that we’re doing it. All we need to do is stop talking bad about others, simple, right? This is another of those simple but not easy practices. Once you become aware of just how often you speak poorly of others and discover your motives for doing so, I think you’ll be surprised as to just how often you do this to inflate your self by criticizing another’s character. It may not be so easy to stop knocking others when your motives for doing so are to inflate our own egos. If you find this change difficult and you continue to talk negatively about others, despite your efforts, do not be discouraged. Keep trying and continue your general spiritual practice as the healthier we are spiritually and psychologically, the less we will need to inflate our egos and the easier it will become not to speak poorly of others.

Be Kind to Yourself

Alan A — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 08:39:00 +0000

There may be character and physical traits that we don’t like about ourselves, even if we have an overall good self-esteem. Many people have low self-esteems and therefore can’t stand many of their personal traits. I am all for changing that which we do not like about ourselves providing that the changes are possible and for the better. There are certain traits however that we will not be able to change and still others that will take some time. So, why not be kind to yourself while you’re trying to change that which can be changed and learn to accept that which cannot?

How often do we search for the solution to whatever is plaguing us when the answer may simply be acceptance? We see something within ourselves of which we do not approve and instead of trying to understand ourselves with kindness and acceptance we show judgment and aversion. Think about it. Have you ever acted in a way in which you later felt embarrassed or said something that you later wished you could take back? When such situations occur, do you ever continue to relive those moments of regret over and over again in your mind but this time differently? This time you would have acted better and said the right thing. All of this wasted energy spent on that which we cannot change, feeling bad about ourselves in the process when all we have to do is just accept our actions as they were and try to better ourselves in the future.

We are the way we are for a number of reasons. We were born and raised by our parents, both of which were out of our control. As a result of this we have a specific genetic make-up, character traits, feelings, psychological and spiritual experiences and much more that has gone into making us who we are today. The points is, is that we do not have ultimate control over who we are, so these character and physical traits that we do not like about ourselves are not necessarily our fault and are not to be looked down upon, as we were born and raised into this form and that’s just the way it is. We can however change much of ourselves that we don’t like and that needs changing. As adults, our life is now our responsibility so I am not telling you to blame your parents for all of your problems, but if they did cause most of them, you can recognize that and begin to be the person that you believe you should become. But, during this process remember to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Accept who you are and realize that much of who you’ve become may have been out of your control. Even if you are fully responsible for all of your deficiencies, you can recognize where you went wrong, learn from your mistakes and change. Feeling a little regret may be a good experience but endlessly beating your self up serves no good purpose.

Metta is an important word used in the Buddhist philosophy. The following is a brief explanation of metta written by Venerable Acharya Buddharakkhita:

“The Pali word metta is a multi-significant term meaning loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill, benevolence, fellowship, amity, concord, inoffensiveness and non-violence. The Pali commentators define metta as the strong wish for the welfare and happiness of others (parahita-parasukha-kamana). Essentially metta is an altruistic attitude of love and friendliness as distinguished from mere amiability based on self-interest. Through metta one refuses to be offensive and renounces bitterness, resentment and animosity of every kind, developing instead a mind of friendliness, accommodativeness and benevolence which seeks the well-being and happiness of others. True metta is devoid of self-interest. It evokes within a warm-hearted feeling of fellowship, sympathy and love, which grows boundless with practice and overcomes all social, religious, racial, political and economic barriers. Metta is indeed a universal, unselfish and all-embracing love.”

Metta is not only a way to treat and interact with other people and the world around us but should also be applied to ourselves. We will benefit greatly by having metta towards ourselves and as we learn to treat ourselves with kindness and love, accepting our faults and imperfections, so too will we learn to treat others and their deficiencies with the same kindness, love and understanding. We can be aware of that which we do not like about ourselves and work on changing that which can be changed while having metta. When you have metta, you will patiently and lovingly accept yourself. Certainly sounds better than aversion and judgment. In the spirit of metta, I wish you peace and contentment.

Unhappily Judging Others

Alan A — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 21:51:00 +0000

Do you like to be judged by others? Why then do you judge other people? Do you feel truly happy when you’re judging others? There are many reasons why we judge other people. I will touch on a few of those reasons with the hope of creating an awareness upon which you may choose to no longer judge others in the same manner in which you may be presently accustomed. It’s difficult to experience true happiness while negatively judging another person.

In many cases when we’re judging other people, we are trying to appear righteous and superior in the light of another, one to whom which we are speaking negatively about the other person. We may even say that we do not intend to speak poorly of a person and state valid reasons for our judgments but we are still making the judgments. If you find yourself speaking negatively of another, honestly assess your motives. Ask yourself why you deem it necessary to speak negatively of another person’s character. At times, it may not be easy or pleasant to see the truth of our own motives. Now that I have the awareness to see when I am judging another human being, I do not feel right about it. I know I am doing something wrong, I can feel it.

What about those instances when we judge others in our minds without saying a word? Have you ever met someone and instantly upon seeing and/or hearing them, you pass judgment? Let’s say you’re introduced to a man who is wearing ripped jeans and a white t-shirt with dreadlocks in his hair. Maybe your first reaction will be that he is poor, dirty and uneducated, maybe even homeless and then you later discover that he has a Masters in music, is filthy rich and dates a supermodel. Do we not instantly make assessments of others based on what they look like, what kind of car they drive or what they do for a living? Why do we need to do this? Haven’t you ever negatively judged another person to only later feel and think differently once you got to know them? Yet we continue to judge. You can judge positively as well only to discover that person is not who you thought they were. Sure, they have a good job, dress well and have a lot of money but that doesn’t mean they have morals and values that you respect. How different life would be if we could eliminate judgmental thoughts and feelings all together. Think about what that would be like.

How often do we judge the behaviors and actions of others, whether we know them or not? There are tabloids and paparazzi that bombard us with images and stories of celebrities. As a society we viciously judge the actions of those in the public eye. I cannot imagine being under such constant unwarranted criticism. Have you ever had a friend, family member or coworker judge with disapproval a decision you made or an action that you took? You may have had a very good reason for doing what you did, that of which they are unaware. If only they understood all that went into your decision, they would probably not have judged in such a way. As much as it we may say that we don’t care what others think of us, there are times that we do care and such judgments from others may hurt us. Even if you know someone well and think you have the right to judge there behaviors or actions, you may not fully understand their reasons for doing what they do. Unless we have lived the life of another, been inside their mind, felt their feelings and experienced their experiences from their birth until the present moment, how could we possibly judge anything that they do?

Continue to reread this post, think about what you are reading and try to practice this form of compassion in your life. That’s right, compassion. It’s difficult to judge another while having compassion for that person. If we all do our part and judge a little less every day, we will make the world a better place to live. May you be happy and at peace.

All or Nothing

Alan A — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 10:45:00 +0000

This site contains many posts on varying topics. There may be more than one post about a particular topic, discussing different aspects of that topic. You may be reading a post about anger and not identify with it. You may think that the views expressed are all wrong or maybe you just can’t get your head around whatever it is that I am talking about. But there may be other posts about anger that you may find incredibly useful. Or you may be enlightened by seventy-five percent of the post and not like the remaining twenty-five percent. The point is you don’t have to make the use of this site an all or nothing matter. Life is not usually black or white, it’s usually gray.

Approaching your quest for happiness with the attitude that life and all its components are not necessarily black or white or all or nothing, may prove to be a beneficial mindset to possess. Because you do not agree with a certain view or cannot relate to a certain idea or feeling discussed in a post, doesn’t mean that you will not benefit from other parts of that post. How often do we close our minds when we hear something foreign to us, immediately judging the strange information we just heard? When we do this, we close ourselves off to potentially valuable information that may follow. I have done this many times only to later realize what I missed. I have also disagreed with the views of others only to later end up sharing the exact view in which I once disagreed. I remember reading a religious book some years ago and did not at all believe in some of the basic concepts of this religion. Today, it’s the religion that I practice!

Things change. Views, opinions, feelings, thoughts, actions, beliefs and so on, are subject to change. So, why not keep and open mind while reading the information on this site? Not understanding or agreeing with certain views doesn’t need to cause you to miss out on other information that you may find extremely useful. There is usually more then one answer to a problem. Take what you need while on your path to happiness and leave the rest. You just may leave something on the side of the path today that you’ll need next year. May you be happy and at peace.

*This post was inspired by FA