When we have a low self-esteem we typically do not have much compassion for ourselves which translates to us using the proverbial bat to beat ourselves for our mistakes or even our humanism. We are all human and therefore make mistakes or act in ways that we later realize were not for the best. This is a normal part of the human condition. A low self-esteem however, may not allow such imperfections without berating ourselves for our actions.

The building of self-esteem may take some time. There is a good chance that it took years to develop a low self-esteem so it only makes sense that it may take years to reverse the damage. The good news is that it can be reversed through spiritual and psychological practice. One of the benefits of practicing the principles set forth on this site is the development of self-esteem. Many of my posts make suggestions as to other forms of self-help as well, that you may find useful. One very important method for aiding in self-improvement is to attend psychotherapy with a good therapist. Good is a word not to be ignored here. I’ll let you read the other posts for yourself to pick up additional self-help resources

As you continue on your quest for happiness by practicing spiritual and psychological principles, your self-esteem should improve. As with many of our difficulties, there may not be one simple answer to fix our problems but rather a combination of principles will most likely prove to be successful.

One way to ward off that bat is to learn to have compassion for your self. I wrote a couple of posts about compassion and self-acceptance that I would suggest reading. There is no point in repeating myself here Here’s some information that you may not want to hear… low self-esteem is a side effect of extreme self-centeredness. Really, it’s true although it may be difficult to see at the moment. But don’t worry, the more you work on your spirituality, the smaller your self will become. Most of our problems stem from an inflated sense of self and can be remedied by practicing spiritual and psychological principles. I have written many posts about this self too. As I said, many of the posts on this site will aid you in the development of self-esteem so I suggest reading them all while incorporating the principles discussed into your life, developing your own spiritual and psychological practice. If you have a low self-esteem, there is a good chance that it will remain unless you do some work. So, what are you waiting for?

We are the way we are for a number of reasons. We were born and raised by our parents, both of which were out of our control. As a result of this we have a specific genetic make-up, character traits, feelings, psychological and spiritual experiences and much more that has gone into making us who we are today. The points is, is that we do not have ultimate control over who we are, so these character and physical traits that we do not like about ourselves are not necessarily our fault and are not to be looked down upon, as we were born and raised into this form and that’s just the way it is. We can however change much of ourselves that we don’t like and that needs changing. As adults, our life is now our responsibility so I am not telling you to blame your parents for all of your problems, but if they did cause most of them, you can recognize that and begin to be the person that you believe you should become. But, during this process remember to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Accept who you are and realize that much of who you’ve become may have been out of your control. Even if you are fully responsible for all of your deficiencies, you can recognize where you went wrong, learn from your mistakes and change. Feeling a little regret may be a good experience but endlessly beating your self up serves no good purpose.

Metta is an important word used in the Buddhist philosophy. The following is a brief explanation of metta written by Venerable Acharya Buddharakkhita:

“The Pali word metta is a multi-significant term meaning loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill, benevolence, fellowship, amity, concord, inoffensiveness and non-violence. The Pali commentators define metta as the strong wish for the welfare and happiness of others (parahita-parasukha-kamana). Essentially metta is an altruistic attitude of love and friendliness as distinguished from mere amiability based on self-interest. Through metta one refuses to be offensive and renounces bitterness, resentment and animosity of every kind, developing instead a mind of friendliness, accommodativeness and benevolence which seeks the well-being and happiness of others. True metta is devoid of self-interest. It evokes within a warm-hearted feeling of fellowship, sympathy and love, which grows boundless with practice and overcomes all social, religious, racial, political and economic barriers. Metta is indeed a universal, unselfish and all-embracing love.”

Metta is not only a way to treat and interact with other people and the world around us but should also be applied to ourselves. We will benefit greatly by having metta towards ourselves and as we learn to treat ourselves with kindness and love, accepting our faults and imperfections, so too will we learn to treat others and their deficiencies with the same kindness, love and understanding. We can be aware of that which we do not like about ourselves and work on changing that which can be changed while having metta. When you have metta, you will patiently and lovingly accept yourself. Certainly sounds better than aversion and judgment. In the spirit of metta, I wish you peace and contentment.

Metta is a Pali word meaning Loving-kindness or universal love. Anger and ill-will are common roadblocks to happiness. Metta is one of the solutions for our ill-will and anger. I understand that some anger may very well be justified but that does not mean that is helping you or others around you. Please read my post titled “Resentment” for more about justified anger.

The following is a discourse from the Karaniya Metta Sutta as translated by Acharya Buddharakkhita. They are the words of The Buddha written about 2600 years ago. I am guessing that there will be those of you who are closed-minded towards Eastern Philosophy and talk of The Buddha but please try to keep an open mind as open-mindedness is a key component of spiritual growth and happiness. Just pay attention to the words and the meaning, where they came from are unimportant.

Who seeks to promote his welfare,
Having glimpsed the state of perfect peace,
Should be able, honest and upright,
Gentle in speech, meek and not proud.

Contented, he ought to be easy to support,
Not over-busy, and simple in living.
Tranquil his senses, let him be prudent,
And not brazen, nor fawning on families.

Also, he must refrain from any action
That gives the wise reason to reprove him.
(Then let him cultivate the thought:)
May all be well and secure,
May all beings be happy!

Whatever living creatures there be,
Without exception, weak or strong,
Long, huge or middle-sized,
Or short, minute or bulky,

Whether visible or invisible,
And those living far or near,
The born and those seeking birth,
May all beings be happy!

Let none deceive or decry
His fellow anywhere;
Let none wish others harm
In resentment or in hate.

Just as with her own life
A mother shields from hurt
Her own son, her only child,
Let all-embracing thoughts
For all beings be yours.

Cultivate an all-embracing mind of love
For all throughout the universe,
In all its height, depth and breadth —
Love that is untroubled
And beyond hatred or enmity.

As you stand, walk, sit or lie,
So long as you are awake,
Pursue this awareness with your might:
It is deemed the Divine State here.

Holding no more to wrong beliefs,
With virtue and vision of the ultimate,
And having overcome all sensual desire,
Never in a womb is one born again.

Pretty cool, huh? Written so long ago yet so appropriate for the times in which we live. I’ll post more about Loving-Kindness and meditation but for now, why not print the Buddha’s words and hang them on your bathroom mirror or fridge and read them every day until they become a part of you. We can begin to practice Universal Love or Loving-kindness in our daily lives by wishing everyone who we encounter, both in person and in our thoughts, happiness and peace. Try it at every opportunity or whenever you remember to do so. It leaves me with a sense that I am doing my part in bringing a positive energy to the world. I wish you peace and happiness.

Now that you’ve read Part I of this post, there is no going back. You have the knowledge. You know what needs to be done and how well you treat others has been brought into the light.

I realize that being unhappy yourself will play a significant role in your ability to treat others well but you’ll just need to try hard to be nice. That’s really all we need to do with each other, isn’t it, just be nice to one another. This may not be easy at first, most change isn’t. The initial aspects of change are usually the most difficult. We sometimes need to almost fake it as our new found behaviors do not seem sincere. If the change is good, as being nice to others is, then we know that although we are acting in a different and perhaps uncomfortable way, it is for the better. The changed thinking and behavior will become natural after time and as we continue to treat others better, we will be increasing our self-worth thereby increasing our happiness. At the beginning we’re in a catch 22 situation which is why changing is initially so hard. We need to be happy to treat others better but we need to treat others better to be happy.

Continue to be nicer to others even if they are not nice to you. Two wrongs do not make a right. You’ll find that walking away from a situation where someone wasn’t nice to you yet you kept your cool and composure and continued to be nice to them, will leave you with a feeling of self-respect. You’ll walk away from such a situation the happy winner.

You’ll notice that I use the words others or other beings as opposed to people in this post. This was intentional as people are only a small percentage of the beings that inhabit this planet. It is also important to treat animals, all animals not just our pets, with kindness and decency. Please keep that in mind the next time you see an animal in need or want to squash an innocent creature, including that ugly spider that you could catch and release outdoors instead of taking its life. I wish you peace and happiness.

If you want to be happy, you must not only be good to yourself, but you must treat others well too. How often do we blindly plunge forward in our lives without thinking about the consequences that our actions may have on other beings? Most of the work we need to do to be happy pertains to our spiritual and psychological conditions. Here’s the catch…we do not live in a vacuum so we must practice the spiritual principles that we learn in our lives. In case you haven’t noticed, our lives include other beings

Let’s think about how often our actions inadvertently impact others. So many of our decisions, choices and actions impact other beings. Imagine if with every choice we made and every action we took, we tried not to harm another living being. Now imagine that the entire population did the same. I believe that the world we live in would be a very different place. The change must start somewhere, let it start with you.

Now, for the not so inadvertent ways in which we treat others. I’m sure that there are many times throughout your day or your week where you do not treat other people in the same manner in which you would like to be treated. If you’re one of those people that prefer to be treated poorly, then this doesn’t apply to you and some psychotherapy may be in order When we’re happy, we’re not the only ones that benefit. When we’re happy, we tend to treat others better. We’re nicer, more considerate and more generous, we have a better sense of humor, we smile more and so on. All of this makes us more pleasurable to be around. When we’re not happy is when we usually take it out on others, whether they are the cashier at the supermarket, your coworkers or family members. You may not always be aware of just how poorly you speak to and treat others, but I’m guessing that there are times that you do realize it yet continue to behave in the same unkind manner.

How we treat other beings is directly related to our happiness and our spiritual and psychological conditions. So you see, being happy and at peace isn’t only for us. However, if you treat others well, I am sure that you will feel better about yourself and thereby increase your own self-worth and happiness. Treating others poorly has a direct affect on our self-esteem which has a direct affect on our happiness and peace. It is difficult to feel good about treating others bad.

So, if you have a hard time being nice to people, it would seem that you need to practice the principles set forth on this site. We cannot simply flip an internal switch that magically makes us happy. Happiness develops naturally as a result of right living and spiritual and psychological practice. And, as I explained earlier, how we treat others is directly related to our happiness. You may not be happy and getting happy may take some time, but that is not an excuse to continue to treat others poorly.

This concludes Part I.
Part II is titled Ignorance Is Not Bliss

What about those instances when we judge others in our minds without saying a word? Have you ever met someone and instantly upon seeing and/or hearing them, you pass judgment? Let’s say you’re introduced to a man who is wearing ripped jeans and a white t-shirt with dreadlocks in his hair. Maybe your first reaction will be that he is poor, dirty and uneducated, maybe even homeless and then you later discover that he has a Masters in music, is filthy rich and dates a supermodel. Do we not instantly make assessments of others based on what they look like, what kind of car they drive or what they do for a living? Why do we need to do this? Haven’t you ever negatively judged another person to only later feel and think differently once you got to know them? Yet we continue to judge. You can judge positively as well only to discover that person is not who you thought they were. Sure, they have a good job, dress well and have a lot of money but that doesn’t mean they have morals and values that you respect. How different life would be if we could eliminate judgmental thoughts and feelings all together. Think about what that would be like.

How often do we judge the behaviors and actions of others, whether we know them or not? There are tabloids and paparazzi that bombard us with images and stories of celebrities. As a society we viciously judge the actions of those in the public eye. I cannot imagine being under such constant unwarranted criticism. Have you ever had a friend, family member or coworker judge with disapproval a decision you made or an action that you took? You may have had a very good reason for doing what you did, that of which they are unaware. If only they understood all that went into your decision, they would probably not have judged in such a way. As much as it we may say that we don’t care what others think of us, there are times that we do care and such judgments from others may hurt us. Even if you know someone well and think you have the right to judge there behaviors or actions, you may not fully understand their reasons for doing what they do. Unless we have lived the life of another, been inside their mind, felt their feelings and experienced their experiences from their birth until the present moment, how could we possibly judge anything that they do?

Continue to reread this post, think about what you are reading and try to practice this form of compassion in your life. That’s right, compassion. It’s difficult to judge another while having compassion for that person. If we all do our part and judge a little less every day, we will make the world a better place to live. May you be happy and at peace.

Admittance is not the same as acceptance. It can be difficult for us to admit the truth at times, never mind accept it too. Quite often our greatest blind spots are within ourselves. How often do we fail to recognize a character flaw in ourselves only to have it eventually become visible? And when we do finally see it, don’t we then fight the fact that we actually possess this flaw? When we truly admit that we possess this fault, then we can begin to rid ourselves of it. Although you may be able to correct your flaw with only admittance, acceptance will bring peace and happiness to such a situation. We may not like something about ourselves and we may work hard to change that something, but that doesn’t mean we cannot accept ourselves just the way we are at that moment while still trying to improve.

You probably didn’t have much choice over the person you’ve become. I believe we are who we are based on the environment in which we were raised and our genetics. Once we become adults, it is our responsibility to change what we don’t like about ourselves. Maybe the way in which your parents raised you has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself today but now it’s your job to amend the damage. So why not begin by having some compassion for yourself? You are the way that your Higher Power made you. If you knew a loved one who was battling with his or her self-esteem and in pain as a result of this, would you not have compassion for them? Compassion brings understanding and love to a situation.

Now that you have your pros and cons list, it’s time to try to change those characteristics that you don’t like while focusing too on your positive attributes. Change for me typically comes slowly so try not to get discouraged. Becoming the person that you wish to be may be a lifetime of work. It’s hard for me to specifically tell you what to do to change as we all have different issues. I will continue to post on various topics that may help you with your particular issues. Again, you can work with a mental health professional. Many of your issues may be deep rooted and require years of self-examination before you are able to truly change. There are many self-help books and audios to aid with self-improvement which you can find online and at your local bookstore and library. There is, of course, this site and the comment format which can be used so that we can all help each other with our desire to be happy and at peace. I have found that talking with close family and friends and utilizing other local self-help groups to be quite effective. People help people not to feel alone with their problems, thoughts and feelings. I find it easier to accept a situation when I know that I am not alone in my dilemma. I have yet to find myself to be the only person in the world struggling with a particular issue. You are not alone!

Acceptance is the simple answer here to your problems. If you have the ability to simply accept the way you are, both the good and the bad, you’ll be at peace. But that’s not always easy to do without first doing a lot of work on yourself. It can be difficult to accept characteristics about yourself that you don’t like, but that’s the way it is with acceptance, isn’t it? It’s easy to accept those parts of our lives that are the way we want them to be.

To reiterate, compassion and acceptance are the answers for peace with oneself. If we want not only to accept ourselves the way we are but to also change those characteristics that we don’t like, we’ll need to work at it through the various aforementioned methods or whatever other source you choose to aid yourself in your search for self-acceptance.

*As with the rest of the information on this site, this post is not a substitute for professional psychiatric care. The information listed is simply a suggestion that may help you in your quest for happiness and peace. The information on this site is for use at your own risk. (Sorry, but disclaimers are unfortunately necessary in this day and age.)