So, what to do with all those feelings and emotions? I never said that you shouldn’t release them, I just don’t recommend venting in the aforementioned sense. The way in which some people vent is not healthy, that’s all. So let’s eliminate the misconceptions that venting by yelling, ranting and raving about our problems actually helps us and let’s work on venting in a positive, healthy manner instead.

When we are experiencing negative feelings and emotions, such as anger or fear, we may deem it necessary to express such feelings so as not to experience them alone. Expressing these feelings to someone by talking with them in a calm and rational manner can be very helpful and can actually greatly contribute to our letting go of such feelings. As the saying goes, “a problem shared is a problem lessened.” Just by letting someone else know of our feelings, we may experience release from them and perhaps the person with whom we are talking, will say something that helps us to feel better as well. When we are spinning thoughts around in our own minds, all we will get in return are our own thoughts.

Now, let’s talk about the person who is angry and feels a need to express it by screaming, yelling and complaining. This form of venting only adds fuel to the fire. It actually feeds the already present negative emotions as opposed to releasing them. And worse yet, we will damage those that are subjected to our outbursts. Most people do not find it pleasant to listen to angry tirades and it can do all kinds of damage to children and adults as well. Think about it. If you are already feeling angry, for example, doesn’t it make sense that opposite feelings, such as peace, serenity and happiness, would relieve the anger or do you think that continuing on with anger will somehow make you less angry?

This concludes Part I
Part II is “Keep Talking About It and It Will Grow“

How do you feel after you react to a situation with anger? Does anger make you feel powerful and in control or embarrassed and out of control or both? However anger makes you feel and whether you know it or not, anger is not conducive to peace and happiness.

We can be angry for a variety of reasons both past and present. We may have a great deal of anger inside as a result of how we were raised. This anger can be directed at your parents, at yourself, at other people or at the world in general. Many times our anger stems from our dislike of ourselves. When we are angry at ourselves, we take out that anger on others as well. Being angry can feel powerful, as if we are protected by our anger and in a way we are protected. It is difficult to feel other feelings when we are angry so if you do not wish to be hurt by others or the world, if you do not wish to feel other feelings, then your anger can act as a shield against those feelings. The problem with this philosophy is that we cannot feel all of the good feelings that life has to offer such as happiness, joy, peace, sympathy, empathy, compassion, gratitude and love, to name a few. Our decisions and therefore our actions will also be skewed by our anger. How many times have you made a decision when you were angry only to regret that decision once the anger subsided? Good decisions do not typically come from an angry heart and mind.

Those of you who are filled with anger will need to work at resolving your anger issues as reacting to situations with anger may be commonplace for you as you are angry most of the time. The information on this site can be very helpful in reducing your anger but you may also need psychotherapy to get to the root of your anger so that you can begin to heal. Or perhaps speaking to a pasture, rabbi or priest about what it is that is causing your anger may be helpful. There are many help sources that can help us get to the bottom of our anger and eliminate it and our outbursts.

There will be those of you who are not terribly angry most of the time and who are not using anger as defense but tend to react to certain situations with angry outbursts. You may also experience a powerful feeling from being angry but again, anger is not conducive to peace and happiness so why not learn to stop reacting in such a way? I’m sure many of you feel embarrassed and ashamed when you act or react with anger, especially in a public setting. What do you think acting in a way that elicits shame does to your self-esteem? When we behave in ways that we know are not right and cause us to feel bad, we lower our self-image and increase our anger towards ourselves and anger will just breed more anger. So, as you can see, this can be a vicious cycle.

We can work generally on our spiritual and psychological conditions which will naturally decrease our anger and increase our peace which should help to reduce our angry reactions. We can also make a conscious effort through awareness to change how we react to life. Once we recognize that anger is not good and that it only causes harm to ourselves and others, we are no longer acting out of ignorance so we now have a choice as to how we wish to act. We may continue to have angry outbursts despite that we are trying to change. It is important not to get down on yourself as change may take time and may be gradual, not immediate. What sense would it make to get angry at your self for being angry? Be patient but vigilant in your efforts. Remember how reacting with anger makes you feel and the next time you are in a situation and you feel that anger coming on, choose to react differently. Perhaps you can walk away, smile or count to ten. Restraint of pen and tongue goes a long way. There are many books as well that can help you learn techniques to better deal with your anger. I am a believer in gradual progress through spiritual and psychological practice and a good psychotherapist can do wonders.

Metta is a Pali word meaning Loving-kindness or universal love. Anger and ill-will are common roadblocks to happiness. Metta is one of the solutions for our ill-will and anger. I understand that some anger may very well be justified but that does not mean that is helping you or others around you. Please read my post titled “Resentment” for more about justified anger.

The following is a discourse from the Karaniya Metta Sutta as translated by Acharya Buddharakkhita. They are the words of The Buddha written about 2600 years ago. I am guessing that there will be those of you who are closed-minded towards Eastern Philosophy and talk of The Buddha but please try to keep an open mind as open-mindedness is a key component of spiritual growth and happiness. Just pay attention to the words and the meaning, where they came from are unimportant.

Who seeks to promote his welfare,
Having glimpsed the state of perfect peace,
Should be able, honest and upright,
Gentle in speech, meek and not proud.

Contented, he ought to be easy to support,
Not over-busy, and simple in living.
Tranquil his senses, let him be prudent,
And not brazen, nor fawning on families.

Also, he must refrain from any action
That gives the wise reason to reprove him.
(Then let him cultivate the thought:)
May all be well and secure,
May all beings be happy!

Whatever living creatures there be,
Without exception, weak or strong,
Long, huge or middle-sized,
Or short, minute or bulky,

Whether visible or invisible,
And those living far or near,
The born and those seeking birth,
May all beings be happy!

Let none deceive or decry
His fellow anywhere;
Let none wish others harm
In resentment or in hate.

Just as with her own life
A mother shields from hurt
Her own son, her only child,
Let all-embracing thoughts
For all beings be yours.

Cultivate an all-embracing mind of love
For all throughout the universe,
In all its height, depth and breadth —
Love that is untroubled
And beyond hatred or enmity.

As you stand, walk, sit or lie,
So long as you are awake,
Pursue this awareness with your might:
It is deemed the Divine State here.

Holding no more to wrong beliefs,
With virtue and vision of the ultimate,
And having overcome all sensual desire,
Never in a womb is one born again.

Pretty cool, huh? Written so long ago yet so appropriate for the times in which we live. I’ll post more about Loving-Kindness and meditation but for now, why not print the Buddha’s words and hang them on your bathroom mirror or fridge and read them every day until they become a part of you. We can begin to practice Universal Love or Loving-kindness in our daily lives by wishing everyone who we encounter, both in person and in our thoughts, happiness and peace. Try it at every opportunity or whenever you remember to do so. It leaves me with a sense that I am doing my part in bringing a positive energy to the world. I wish you peace and happiness.

Let’s get even simpler. When we feel angry, we do not feel happy at the same time. Again, anger prevents us from being happy at the moment that we are angry. So, if we want to be happy at any given moment, it might be a good idea not to be angry

This is the simplest and shortest post I’ve written to date, but what else can I say, the point is simple. I will continue to discuss anger and its relationship to happiness in other posts that I hope will help to eliminate your anger. May you be happy and at peace.

The metaphor in the opening sentence, reminds us that resentments hurt us more than they do the other person, situation or institution. Even if we were truly wronged and have a valid reason to be angry, resentments only eat away at our spiritual, mental and emotional states. It’s difficult to be happy and resentful at the same time. Go ahead, try it. Get yourself all worked up over a past injustice or perceived injustice and see if you feel happy.

Now that we’ve determined that resentments are not beneficial to us, what are we to do with them? The simple answer is to let go of them. But how do we do that? First we need to assess the situation that made us angry. Check our part in the situation and if we were at all wrong, apologize and make amends. Maybe we did nothing wrong and were entirely the victim of an injustice or maybe someone just touched on a sensitive subject. Either way, we can assess the situation, recognize it for what it was, to the best of our ability, realizing that we will never know why someone else does what they do. Determine why it is that we were angry so that we can learn about ourselves and our reactions. Now that we have some additional awareness of ourselves, we should be better prepared to handle a similar situation in the future. We want to always improve ourselves if possible. We now try to get an understanding of the other person or institution that we resent. Try to look at the situation from the other side. Sometimes we hurt people and they resent us and maybe in our minds, we did nothing wrong. Perhaps that other person or institution had a good reason to do whatever it is that has caused us to resent. Try to gain an understanding of what that could be because with understanding comes compassion and forgiveness. This should help to alleviate our resentment.

Let’s say we can find no such understanding, what do we do then? It’s back to the opening metaphor. We now realize that resentments justified or not, have no place in our lives, our minds and our hearts. They can only bring suffering. There is no good to come from resentments. Faced with this knowledge, what choice do we have other than to let go of the resentment. If we find ourselves experiencing resentment, reliving a past moment while feeling ill will towards another person or institution, we can stop those thoughts and tell ourselves that this anger we are feeling and these negative thoughts that we are having, are not beneficial to us or those around us. We can keep performing this task every time we feel resentment coming, remembering that we our hurting ourselves, not those we resent and we are giving others power over our happiness.

May you be happy and at peace.

What about fights and wars or even a football game? Can’t it be beneficial to be angry when engaged in such a situation? If you consider beneficial to mean that you can hit harder and kill more without being killed, then I suppose the answer to that question is yes. Here’s a crazy thought….maybe we shouldn’t participate in situations that require us to be angry to succeed. *

When you react to a situation with anger, do you usually feel regret once you’ve calmed down? Have you ever been embarrassed at how you reacted while angry? Do you wish you were the kind of person who always maintains their composure, the calm, cool and collected type? Even if your anger is justified, aren’t you just adding to the negativity in this world? Besides, most of us think our anger is justified. So, do you want to react to situations with less anger?

The first step in changing something that you don’t like is to admit as much. Next you’ll need the desire or willingness to change and lastly you’ll need the tools necessary to facilitate change. I can help with the latter but the first two are up to you.

When you have some time to think, reflect on how you feel when you react with anger, recalling the unpleasant feelings that resulted. The next time you’re in a situation and you feel the anger coming, remember those unpleasant feelings that reacting with anger has caused you in the past. You may not immediately react differently but eventually, I would hope that you will see a difference in how you react to situations that used to make you angry. For me, this type of change comes more from me being sick and tired of reacting in a certain way rather than the method used to change. Maybe you’ll find other ways to help you learn how not to not react with anger. I believe that your admittance and willingness are the most important factors here.

Another way that I have learned not to get angry is to have compassion and understanding for others. Many times we may react with anger towards other people. You’re probably not as embarrassed when you get angry when you’re alone but when you react with anger in the presence of another person, those feelings of regret may loom large. So, since other people’s words and actions instigate our anger, putting yourself in that person’s shoes should prove to evoke compassion for that person. Maybe they are having a bad day. Perhaps they have a sick loved one at home or they are going through a divorce. Instead of letting them make you angry, smile and treat them with kindness and understanding. Many times you’ll leave them smiling too.

This next anger remedy is more of a cumulative affect of spiritual and psychological practice and right living. Why do we get angry? I’ll need to write many more posts on anger as it is a broad topic, but for the most part we get angry because we’re self-centered. We get angry when someone or something upsets some part of us or our self. Faith in a Higher Power comes into play here as the more faith we have the less we rely on self and the more accepting we are of life. Acceptance brings serenity, not anger. Also, the less self we have the more we are able to focus on understanding others needs. When we are trying to understand others, we are not thinking of ourselves. Therefore, the less self we have the less there is to upset and the less angry we get. Get it? This reduction of self is a process which I will continue to write about.

This last suggestion is a simple but effective one. Smile, it’s hard to be angry when you’re smiling.

* The types of situations to which we react with anger, to which I am referring in this post, do not take into consideration real tragedies that may occur in our lives. The type of justified anger that we may experience as a result, is not something in which I am comfortable writing.

If you have deep rooted anger stemming from your childhood, you may need some psychotherapy to rid yourself of such anger. I’m not a metal health pro, so that’s just a thought.