We have very little control over much of what occurs in this world but we do have the ability to change ourselves and how we relate to the world and all of its phenomena. So you see, stress is simply created by our inability to cope with life with trust and serenity, and does not actually exist in this life other than within each of us.

Since life doesn’t actually force us to be stressed, as we have already determined that stress does not exist in the world other than within, it would seem as if we have a choice here. We can choose to be stressed or not. Hmmm, let’s see, do I want to feel happy and at peace or do I want to be stressed and miserable? I am choosing happiness!

So much of our pain is self-inflicted because of our inability to deal with life on life’s terms and our ignorance of the ways things are. Simply put, we can either accept life or not. With acceptance comes peace and happiness and when we fight the way life is we suffer. I am not telling you that it is always easy to accept life as it is, but it is the answer to peace, which is an opposite of stress.

Maybe your stress is a result of needing to work a lot to pay the bills and still not having enough money or having no time or money to take a much needed vacation. The answer to living stress free in such cases is still the same… acceptance. We need to accept our lot and not compare our lives to those who have more as that makes acceptance more difficult. Instead, look at those who have less than you and watch the gratitude pour in and the stress melt away. Hey, maybe you do need a break to keep your sanity. Part of living stress free also means that we need to know our limits and try our best to rest when necessary, allowing ourselves to take a break and do something fun. Remember, not everything fun and relaxing costs money. I am guessing that we can all find something to do to take care of ourselves that doesn’t require a lot of time or money.

Sometimes we need to make other life changes if we wish to live stress free. For example, if we cannot afford to pay the mortgage in a large house and this is the cause of our stress, perhaps we need to downsize. We can apply this philosophy to many of the material things in our lives as much of the stress people experience today is self-induced financial stress. So, if need be, remove yourself from situations that you seem unable to accept that are causing you stress, financial or otherwise and always recall the following prayer…

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.*

*A version of the Serenity Prayer adapted by Alcoholics Anonymous and other twelve step programs which was based on Dr. Reinhold Niebuhr’s original version.

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The purpose of this post is simply to let you know that you are not alone in your pain and suffering. We all suffer to some degree. This is a part of life and cannot be escaped by any of us. Some of us may seem to suffer more than others. Again, to use the Buddhist teachings for support, our suffering can be chalked up to karma. Buddhism teaches that our present lives are a result of our past actions and merits whether in this life or another. Whether you believe that or not, this is the Buddhist philosophy and can certainly help us to accept the hand that we were dealt and give us more reason to live Right, now and in the future.

I do know that accepting that there is suffering in this life, as opposed to fighting it, offers a sense of peace. I also know that when times are most difficult, I must work harder at developing and maintaining my spiritual condition. When I am spiritually fit, I am more equipped to accept life as it is which results in less suffering and more peace and happiness. Remember, you are not alone.

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Awareness is important for a couple of reasons. As I just mentioned, we need to be aware of what we want to change so that we can change it. Usually we do not want to change that which is good about us, but rather we wish to change that which we do not like about ourselves. These traits or behaviors that we wish to change may in fact be considered as bad by us or society or perhaps what we wish to change is just something that we don’t like about ourselves and may be neither good nor bad. Either way, awareness of what we wish to change is necessary.

Awareness is also important because many times we change just by becoming aware. For example, let’s say that you have an intimacy problem, of which you are not yet aware, and it has affected all of your close personal relationships. Every time you start to get very close to someone you begin to act differently, all of your faults begin to appear which ends up costing you the relationship. This is just a summary, of course So, you think maybe you need to talk to at therapist because for some unknown reason, you can’t maintain a close, healthy relationship and when you’re in one, you’re not happy. You start talking about your childhood and your relationships with your mother and father and through your talking and your therapist’s help, you become aware of the nature of these relationships and the feelings that they caused you then and now. You also begin to become aware of just how the relationships with your parents affected your relationships as an adult. Aah, you begin to see the connection very clearly and you find that your next relationship is different. There is a sort of freedom from the typical faults that used to arise in your relationships. And when you do notice any unhealthy behaviors, you can talk about them, because now you are aware of why you think and act in such ways, until finally, you learn to how to choose healthy people in which to have a relationship and how to have a healthy relationship with them. Sure, there will be some practice necessary to begin to have lasting, healthy relationships but the bulk of the change occurs as a result of simple awareness.

Here’s another quick example of how awareness can facilitate change. You get gas at the same gas station every week. You know there is another gas station across the street behind the trees but you’ve never gone there. One day you notice that the trees were cut down and now you can get a better look at the place. Wow! You notice that the gas is 50 cents per gallon less over there. It is a beautiful gas station, a good brand name and just across the street from the one where you normally get gas. Now that you have become aware of the cheaper gas across the street, does it really take much effort to change stations? The main reason for the change in gas stations will be the awareness of the lower price. Now that you are aware, it is difficult not to change.

So, you see, awareness is a key component to change. Sometimes awareness of the way things are is obvious and sometimes it takes some digging. But is important to be aware of the way things are, including us, not only so that we may change but because there is truth in awareness of the way it is and living true beats living a lie. We see the world and ourselves differently through our awareness and because of this awareness we are now different…we have changed.

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- Life is as good or bad as I make it. I always have blessings, whether or not I choose to see them is entirely up to me.

- It’s fascinating just how happy & at peace I am when I am not consumed with me, myself & I.

-When I’m consumed with self, I’m consumed with self-centered fear, which ruins everything. No self, no self-centered fear. Simple really.

- So, it would seem that we need to eliminate this self so that we can be free from fear & at peace. Simple deduction

- No fear, know peace
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- Someone once told me that my life was none of my business.

- If you want to feel good, don’t do things that make you feel bad.

- If you want to change, you have to change.

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So, what it comes down to is this, choose to find reasons why a Higher Power exists or find reasons why it doesn’t. It’s a choice. Or if you do not want to believe in a Higher Power, Buddhism can be great for you because the result of such practice is the same… happiness, joy and peace. Again, it’s a choice. Do you want to do the work or not? There are many people, including me, who initially rebelled against a source of help only to later believe. If you want money, you go to work, whether you like it or not. If you want to be thin, you don’t eat Devil Dogs, whether you like it or not. If you want to be happy, joyous & free, you do the work, you believe in a God or practice yoga or Buddhism or whatever floats your boat, but you must do the work if you want the results. If you don’t care much about being happy, joyous & free, then you keep going as usual. If you want change you have to change. Simple, like it or not. You don’t have to like it or even believe in it 100%, you just need to try. Eventually, maybe after many years, you will most likely think and feel differently and like the results. I know many people who struggle with the concept of God but they keep at living the spiritual life because they don’t like the alternative. So, there are many options in which to choose. Which do you choose… the one that results in peace and happiness or the one that doesn’t? It is your choice.

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You may need to discipline Billy somewhat since he is at your house without us at times. So that you may better understand & apply the same principles while he is in your care, here’s the way I want Billy to be raised, keeping in mind the methods must be age appropriate.

I do not believe in punishment for most, if not all people, I believe in consequences. I want Billy to learn that there are consequences for his actions in this life.

I do not want Billy to grow up afraid of anything. He can learn to be cautious & wise in situations where he can be harmed but he does not need to be afraid.

I want to encourage him to learn to do the right thing not because he is afraid to do wrong but simply because it is right. I want him to learn that doing right feels better than doing wrong. I believe that living in this way will build more character & self-esteem than simply not doing things for fear of repercussion. It’s an overall more positive way to live.

I do not want him to be afraid of me. I hope he respects me, not fears me. If he is afraid of me then I am doing something wrong.

I do not want to yell at him & most definitely, hitting or spanking is completely unacceptable. Violence & anger breeds violence & anger. I do not need to yell or act in anger when teaching him right from wrong, proper manners or giving him a consequence for his actions.

I want him to be aware of his actions & learn to apologize & make amends when wrong. He, perhaps more importantly, needs to know how proud we are of him & is to be praised for behaving well.

Acceptance is the way to peace and happiness and the answer to our problems. We must try to convey this to him not just with words but more importantly by example. He can learn to freak out, cry, and get angry, scream, yell, etc. when something does not go his way or he can learn to accept life as it comes with serenity. There is no better way to teach this than by example. So, please try not to react negatively, in anger or hostility around him when something doesn’t go your way or for any other reason. By acting in such ways, you would only be teaching him to cope with life in the same manner.

Please do not freak out if he spills something or dents a wall. These are not things worth being upset about. I want to teach him to be neat, clean & take care of his things but I want him to know that these sorts of material concerns are not what are most important in this life & are not worth being upset about.

I want him to be around positive, happy people and energy. Example is one of the greatest teachers. He is a child and any negative behavior he is exposed to can affect him for many years to come. I hope this helps.

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From my personal experience, this is a gradual process, so don’t get discouraged if the change comes slowly. It took years to develop our present thought processes and it will probably take years to change them. This doesn’t mean that you cannot make immediate noticeable changes but considering that your thought processes are a vast area that run deep, you cannot expect to change everything about the way think overnight.

So, just how do we go about changing the ways in which we think? Well, we learn new ways to think which will replace the old ones. Basically, we brainwash ourselves. That’s right, brainwash. The term “brainwash” tends to have negative connotations associated with it but for those of us whose thought processes are less than healthy, we could use a good brain wash.

I am guessing that not all of your thought processes require changing so decide which ones are positive and which ones are negative and harmful and therefore should be changed. Most, if not all, of those ways in which you think, feel and act that you do not like, can be changed for the better. This article is not so much about what you need to change but rather to let you know that you can change how you think, it is possible. I mention not only thoughts but feelings and actions as well because our feelings and actions start with a thought. You can immediately change the ways in which you act despite the usual thought processes. The sayings “move a muscle, change a thought” and “don’t think yourself into right action, act yourself into right thinking” apply here. So, there is a good start. You can begin to reprogram your thoughts by acting differently. This will take a lot of effort and you will most certainly fail at times so strive for progress.

It is impossible for me to address all of the thought processes that everyone wants to change so you’ll need to take a look at yourself, your thoughts, feelings and behaviors and determine what you like and what you don’t like about yourself. Perhaps you can make a simple pros and cons list and if you’re really brave, you can ask someone close, who you trust, to help you with your inventory. As I mentioned, specific actions can be immediately addressed but just how do we change our overall thought process? Although you will surely find specific ways in which you think, feel and act that you wish to address, you may find that a general spiritual and psychological overhaul will work best. I have found that most of the ways in which I used to think were more of a symptom of an overall spiritual and psychological deficiency. Considering this, if we only attempt to treat specific symptoms of such a deficiency, then we never really treat the cause of our unhealthy thought processes. Sure, you’ll be able to work on specific areas too but you may find that developing a healthy spiritual and psychological condition which will fill your heart and mind with new, healthy ideas and thoughts will result in new thought processes and a new outlook on life.

This site was designed specifically for this reason, to help you find peace and happiness through spiritual and psychological principles. Of course this site is not the only resource for such help and guidance. I list other various forms of self-help in some of my posts as well as on the links page. Of course, I recommend my site but here are a few other options. I recommend a good psychotherapist to aid in your self-improvement. Perhaps you can find a religion that suits you. There are many self-improvement books and websites available that you may find useful. These are just a few ideas to help get you on your way to reprogramming your current thought processes. This will take effort, determination and vigilance but know that you can change your thought processes if you so desire.

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Is life complicated or do we just make it so? I believe life is much simpler than we make it. I am sure there will be many of you who are reading this saying to yourselves “life is complicated, what’s he talking about? He doesn’t understand all of the problems I have and they are definitely not simple problems.” If you are thinking along these lines right now or have had similar thoughts in the past, then I say to you, you’re complicating things

We can make life as simple or as complicated as we wish. Some people look at the glass half full and some will see it as half empty. Both views are correct but only one will result in happiness. Seeing our lives as simple or complicated is a similar choice. Which one will you choose? You do have a choice, you know? Sure, we can make our problems bigger and more complicated than they actually are which will surely strip us of our peace and happiness or we can choose to keep life simple.

So, just how do we keep life and all its problems and intricacies simple? Well, it’s simple, of course. I want you to try an experiment right now. Are you sitting? If not, sit. Where are you right now? Literally, where is your but? Look at your surroundings. Are you alone? If not, who is with you? What are you doing at this moment? I will assume that you are reading this post. So, that’s it. This is your life at this moment. What’s complicated about life at this moment? I am not saying that your life is easy but rather that it is simple. All we have is this moment, no more and no less. That’s it. That is all any of us have. How can you complicate this instant, this moment? Life is comprised of a series of moments so all we need to do is live in this moment, no more and no less.

“Yea, but I lost my job and don’t know how I am going to pay the mortgage” or “I have an illness and am very sick” or “I am getting a divorce”. If these or similar are your objections, then I will say it again, I am not saying that your life is easy but rather that it is simple. Even if all these things were true simultaneously in your life, the results of the experiment are still the same. Don’t make life any more difficult or complicated than it needs to be. Just be with this very moment right now. All of your problems may still exist but you can keep them simple by living in this moment as opposed to projecting negatively into the future. For example, “I lost my job and don’t know how I am going to pay the mortgage. I will be on the streets and my credit will be ruined. I don’t know where we will go”. Those may or may not be unreasonable thoughts, but right now in this very moment, does thinking in such a way help? All we can do is the next right thing and then we need to let go of the results and simply live in this moment. Be present to the task at hand as that is all we truly have. How sad it is that we lose so many moments because our minds are elsewhere.

Let’s take this one step further so that we can learn to be happy and at peace in this moment. Are you ready for the big answer? If you want to be happy and at peace in this moment all you need to do is accept this moment as it is. Are you calling me names yet? Listen, I understand that most of us will not be able to practice such philosophies perfectly and that it will most likely take time to develop such a practice. If we were able to hear such truths and immediately practice them with perfection then I wouldn’t need to post any other articles. All of the self-improvement & spiritual teachers would need to find something else to do with their time. So…we practice.

Most of us cannot simply accept life as it is at this moment with perfection which is why I have written many other posts on this site to help you in your quest for happiness.

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There is a fine line between therapeutic talking and the type of talking that makes your problems bigger. I am walking a tight rope here, I know, as there are most definitely times when we need to discuss our problems in order to find a resolution. Perhaps you are the type that bottles up your feelings and emotions which results in other personal problems. Well then maybe you need to talk more. But maybe instead of talking about your problems, you rehash them over and over in your mind. Either way, talking or thinking too much about life’s problems, can make the problems bigger, not better.

How we talk about life’s problems also plays a role here. For example, talking to a therapist about our issues both past and present with the goal of improving ourselves is much different than talking or complaining, over and over again about your boss, your spouse, the traffic or the weather. Much of our talking or thinking about life’s problems is actually complaining and self-pity and just an overall lack of acceptance of life as it is, which is why I do not think it’s accurate to refer to such problems as our problems. Much of what we think is our problem isn’t a problem at all. The problem is our inability to accept life on life’s terms.

So, even when we’re not yelling, ranting or raving, we can be venting in ways that are unhealthy and that make the problem grow. This is the type of talking or complaining to which I am referring in this post.

Take notice when you’re talking. Ask yourself before you speak if what you are about to say is positive or negative. Ask yourself if it is therapeutic or in other words, is it helpful to your overall sense of well-being or are you just complaining or on the pity pot? You know, poor me, I was stuck in traffic for two hours. Poor me, I don’t have any money. Poor me, I had to work so hard today. Of course, we leave out the poor me in conversation but we might as well say that before all of our complaining…I mean talking. This type of talking is not helpful to our peace and happiness. All we are doing is making the supposed problem grow larger than it is and making its life span longer than it needs to be. In Buddhism, this is a form of Right Speech and as it is with so much of the principles set forth on this site, you will need to practice this. I wouldn’t imagine that you will immediately stop all talk or venting that is not helpful to your well-being. You will most likely catch yourself in the act many times saying things that you probably shouldn’t have.

Awareness, as usual, is the key here. Now that you are aware that much of your speech is not necessary or beneficial and actually causes you and others harm, you can begin to change. The more you practice Right Speech, the more proficient you will become. Think about how many happy moments we have lost because we felt it necessary to vent negatively. So next time you think about complaining or venting, stop it there and go about your day. Don’t allow yourself to lose another moment to negativity. The less negative moments means the possibility of more positive moments. This is all really very simple. See what happens to a problem that you thought you needed to talk about. Many times, I think you’ll find that it dissipates over time, perhaps an hour or perhaps a day. And if it doesn’t, if really necessary, you could always discuss the problem later in a positive, healthy manner. Instead of negatively complaining, you could talk about how the problem makes you feel and why. Now we’re getting into another topic so I will stop here. I wish you all the peace that comes from acceptance.

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So, what to do with all those feelings and emotions? I never said that you shouldn’t release them, I just don’t recommend venting in the aforementioned sense. The way in which some people vent is not healthy, that’s all. So let’s eliminate the misconceptions that venting by yelling, ranting and raving about our problems actually helps us and let’s work on venting in a positive, healthy manner instead.

When we are experiencing negative feelings and emotions, such as anger or fear, we may deem it necessary to express such feelings so as not to experience them alone. Expressing these feelings to someone by talking with them in a calm and rational manner can be very helpful and can actually greatly contribute to our letting go of such feelings. As the saying goes, “a problem shared is a problem lessened.” Just by letting someone else know of our feelings, we may experience release from them and perhaps the person with whom we are talking, will say something that helps us to feel better as well. When we are spinning thoughts around in our own minds, all we will get in return are our own thoughts.

Now, let’s talk about the person who is angry and feels a need to express it by screaming, yelling and complaining. This form of venting only adds fuel to the fire. It actually feeds the already present negative emotions as opposed to releasing them. And worse yet, we will damage those that are subjected to our outbursts. Most people do not find it pleasant to listen to angry tirades and it can do all kinds of damage to children and adults as well. Think about it. If you are already feeling angry, for example, doesn’t it make sense that opposite feelings, such as peace, serenity and happiness, would relieve the anger or do you think that continuing on with anger will somehow make you less angry?

This concludes Part I
Part II is “Keep Talking About It and It Will Grow“

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