There may be character and physical traits that we don’t like about ourselves, even if we have an overall good self-esteem. Many people have low self-esteems and therefore can’t stand many of their personal traits. I am all for changing that which we do not like about ourselves providing that the changes are possible and for the better. There are certain traits however that we will not be able to change and still others that will take some time. So, why not be kind to yourself while you’re trying to change that which can be changed and learn to accept that which cannot?
How often do we search for the solution to whatever is plaguing us when the answer may simply be acceptance? We see something within ourselves of which we do not approve and instead of trying to understand ourselves with kindness and acceptance we show judgment and aversion. Think about it. Have you ever acted in a way in which you later felt embarrassed or said something that you later wished you could take back? When such situations occur, do you ever continue to relive those moments of regret over and over again in your mind but this time differently? This time you would have acted better and said the right thing. All of this wasted energy spent on that which we cannot change, feeling bad about ourselves in the process when all we have to do is just accept our actions as they were and try to better ourselves in the future.
We are the way we are for a number of reasons. We were born and raised by our parents, both of which were out of our control. As a result of this we have a specific genetic make-up, character traits, feelings, psychological and spiritual experiences and much more that has gone into making us who we are today. The points is, is that we do not have ultimate control over who we are, so these character and physical traits that we do not like about ourselves are not necessarily our fault and are not to be looked down upon, as we were born and raised into this form and that’s just the way it is. We can however change much of ourselves that we don’t like and that needs changing. As adults, our life is now our responsibility so I am not telling you to blame your parents for all of your problems, but if they did cause most of them, you can recognize that and begin to be the person that you believe you should become. But, during this process remember to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Accept who you are and realize that much of who you’ve become may have been out of your control. Even if you are fully responsible for all of your deficiencies, you can recognize where you went wrong, learn from your mistakes and change. Feeling a little regret may be a good experience but endlessly beating your self up serves no good purpose.
Metta is an important word used in the Buddhist philosophy. The following is a brief explanation of metta written by Venerable Acharya Buddharakkhita:
“The Pali word metta is a multi-significant term meaning loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill, benevolence, fellowship, amity, concord, inoffensiveness and non-violence. The Pali commentators define metta as the strong wish for the welfare and happiness of others (parahita-parasukha-kamana). Essentially metta is an altruistic attitude of love and friendliness as distinguished from mere amiability based on self-interest. Through metta one refuses to be offensive and renounces bitterness, resentment and animosity of every kind, developing instead a mind of friendliness, accommodativeness and benevolence which seeks the well-being and happiness of others. True metta is devoid of self-interest. It evokes within a warm-hearted feeling of fellowship, sympathy and love, which grows boundless with practice and overcomes all social, religious, racial, political and economic barriers. Metta is indeed a universal, unselfish and all-embracing love.”
Metta is not only a way to treat and interact with other people and the world around us but should also be applied to ourselves. We will benefit greatly by having metta towards ourselves and as we learn to treat ourselves with kindness and love, accepting our faults and imperfections, so too will we learn to treat others and their deficiencies with the same kindness, love and understanding. We can be aware of that which we do not like about ourselves and work on changing that which can be changed while having metta. When you have metta, you will patiently and lovingly accept yourself. Certainly sounds better than aversion and judgment. In the spirit of metta, I wish you peace and contentment.
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